Have you ever noticed that you’ve been “shoulding” yourself, or using a lot of should statements like:

• “I should eat healthier.” 

• “I should have this figured out by now.”

• “I should make more money.”

• “I should get off my phone.”

If you have ever caught yourself making these kinds of statements, or if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of one, you might notice that you don’t feel so great afterward. 

That’s often because this type of thought pattern is demotivating and can contribute to elevated stress.

Essentially, when we’re “shoulding” ourselves, we’re putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves—unrealistic because the statements are so vague. 

Take the example of “I should eat healthier”—What does healthier mean or look like to you? What would your actual goals around that be, and why do you want to eat healthier?

If you can zero in on some of that information, it’s much more likely that you can form a realistic, tangible goal for yourself—something that you can work toward and achieve.

Whereas “shoulding” is just kind of hoping things change somehow, someway, at some point. 

Using should statements can also contribute to increased stress because, not only are we struggling to meet those vague, unrealistic expectations, but there can also be a part of us that is not accepting reality as it is. 

Instead, we’re wishing that things were different.

This can be a valid protection mechanism, especially if circumstances are tough, but this type of thinking and avoiding reality can prevent us from making a change or doing something about whatever it is that we wish was different.

And if we don’t make a change in a situation that really isn’t serving us, then we’re more likely to experience stress, overwhelm and inner conflict. 

What to Try Instead

If you do catch yourself using should statements, for whatever reason, one way to reduce their effect is to try and replace the word “should” with “could.” 

So instead of saying something like, “I should eat healthier,” you might say: “I could eat healthier.” 

“Could” implies that you have more of a choice in the matter. It provides a greater sense of agency, and the more personal agency we feel that we have, the more motivated we’re going to feel to start working toward change. 

The word “could” also carries less judgement than the word “should.” There’s less of an implied right or wrong. It’s just a choice to eat healthy or not.

Because judgement is closely associated with feelings of shame, the more judgement you can remove from statements and thoughts, the better you’re going to feel about yourself.

And the better you feel about yourself, the more likely that you’ll make a change (even if it’s just a change in perception) instead of wishing things were different.

Additional Takes on Should Statements

“The Trouble with ‘Should Statements’ and How to Reframe Them” via A Good Place Therapy

“All About ‘Should’ Statements” via CPD Online College

“The Problem With ‘Should’ Statements” via Central Valley Family Therapy

Before you go …

I am now offering an eight-week coaching program to help professionals who are feeling overwhelmed and burnt out to create more balance and fulfillment.

The 1:1, online program is open to anyone nationwide and offers a step-by-step process to help participants:

• uncover their unique values, strengths, and passions;

• clarify their goals;

• and take clear, actionable steps toward the life they want.