It’s summer, which means ice cream, pools, BBQs, more social events, and with those, potentially more opportunities for people-pleasing.

Not really, but maybe.

As humans, most of us are social creatures and want to be liked and included by others. If we’ve had difficult experiences with feeling left out or struggle with anxiety or low self-esteem, then the desire for connection can sometimes turn into people-pleasing, or the art of putting others’ needs above our own in order to feel accepted.

There can also be cultural or familial conditioning that contributes to people-pleasing behavior. For example, maybe our family has a value that it is good to be helpful or of service to others, or maybe within a culture there’s a norm of putting the needs and wants of our family or community above our own.

None of that is inherently bad, and there will always be times in life when we have to do things that we don’t want to or for the sake of others, but if we are consistently doing more for others at our own expense, then we could start to feel resentful or struggle with knowing who we are or what we want.

31 Flavors

In order to catch and potentially stop the tendency to overextend ourselves, it can be helpful to identify what type of people-pleasing we might be engaging in because, just like ice cream, people-pleasing can come in different flavors, some you may recognize and some you may not.

Below are just a handful of types (there are potentially many more):

The Yes-Person

This might be the most identifiable flavor and is the variety where we consistently say “yes” to others’ requests or asks, a lot of times on autopilot. Or maybe we agree with others’ opinions or go along with the group, even though we don’t really agree.

We say “yes” even when we want to say “no” and ignore our needs and feelings. This can become such a habit that we start to lose perspective on what we actually like or dislike because we are so used to just saying “yes.”

The Sweeper

This is the one where we come in and sweep up the emotional burden. Maybe we are good at sorting out conflicts or helping others manage their big feelings so we step in as a peacemaker or problem-solver. (We may not always be aware that we are doing this.)

For example, maybe a loved one is upset and without even thinking we start trying to ease their discomfort by attempting to fix or problem-solve for them.

This isn’t to say that we can’t help people, but if we can get to the root of why we are doing what we’re doing, then we can discern whether we are helping or people-pleasing.

A key to discerning this is to ask: Who we are really trying to help—the other person or ourselves?

If we’re honest, we may sometimes rush in to help others as a means of managing our own discomfort with watching those we care about suffer or work through challenges. (If we can just make it better, then no one has to be in pain.) But sometimes helping someone else might mean letting that person manage their discomfort or problem-solve on their own.

The Overachiever

This type is the one where we feel like we have to perform to exceptionally high standards or overdeliver in order to feel liked or appreciated.

For example, maybe we’re throwing someone a party, like a baby shower or a bachelor party, and because there’s a need to feel liked, we way overdo it, maybe spending an exorbitant amount of time or money planning the event.

Or maybe this shows up at work, where we go above and beyond all the time, and if we’re really honest with ourselves, it’s because we’re externally motivated by potential positive feedback rather than internally motivated by a drive or dedication to do good work.

Fawning

This one is typically considered a type of trauma response. Instead of fighting, fleeing from or freezing due to a perceived threat, we may instead please as a way to disarm the potential danger.

While this flavor can incorporate any of the above, it’s unique in that it is stemming from a particular cause, which tends to be relational trauma. It typically also involves a fair degree of self-censorship and self-abandonment—sacrificing or ignoring our own needs and inner world in order to make other people happy.

What to do?

People-pleasing, which most of us do at some point or another, can create a very real toll (i.e. stress, anxiety, depression), so it can be helpful to try and notice when (and maybe even why) we might be doing it and potentially try and stop it.

How do you do that? Here are a few tips:

Check in with your own needs.

If you find yourself people-pleasing more than you want to, a helpful first step can be to start routinely checking in with your needs.

You can try and make it a habit by tying it to something specific like meal times or you could try setting an alarm for every several hours throughout the day and just check in with yourself: Notice your mood, energy level, feelings, and thoughts, and jot it all down if it’s helpful.

The better idea we have of what’s happening on the inside—what we’re thinking, feeling, needing—the better able we are to act authentically or act in alignment with our true self, which sometimes might want to say “no” or disagree or let somebody else handle a situation.

If we’re not used to checking in with ourselves, especially on the regular—not just when we’re tired, overwhelmed, stressed, etc.—then it might take some practice to get to a place where we can tune into our needs when someone asks us to do something or when we feel the impulse to please. (So try not to give up if you don’t get immediate results.)

Check in with your intent.

Another way to reduce people-pleasing is to ask yourself why you might be doing the thing, helping such and such person, saying “yes,” etc.

If the answer is fear based (like so and so will be upset with me or won’t like me if I don’t do xyz), then that could be a sign that you’re acting from a more externally oriented position (i.e. trying to control an outcome by pleasing) rather than an internal one, which would be feeling a genuine desire to help or show kindness.

Wait. 

To do either of the above is going to take some time and space, meaning it’s going to take a hot minute to catch the fact that we might be headed into people-pleasing territory, then notice and sort through the feelings that come along with that, and then make the choice to do something different. (The more you do it, the quicker the whole process becomes.)

So, it’s OK to say that you’ll get back to someone if they make a request. It will give you more time to consider whether you actually can/want to do the thing, and it will afford you more time to decide how you’re going to respond to the person, whether it’s a yes or a no.

For even more tips, check out this TEDx talk on how to be an “anti-people-pleaser”:

Additional Takes on People-Pleasing

“The Hidden Cost Of People-Pleasing In The Workplace” via Forbes
Explores how people-pleasing can show up at work and tips to help avoid it.

“How to Stop People-Pleasing” via VeryWell Mind
Even more tips to help curb people-pleasing.

“How to say 'no' and stop being a people pleaser” via NPR’s Life Kit
A look into the art of saying “no.”