A common misperception when working toward a goal is that the harder we are on ourselves, the more likely that we’ll achieve the goal, or, put another way, the less likely that we will fail.

This may not necessarily be a conscious mindset. In fact, a lot of times we’re not aware that we’re thinking this way because the habit is so ingrained.

It may present as an inner drill sergeant who is constantly critiquing or admonishing us or consistently driving us to work harder, longer, faster, as if we are not good enough and need to constantly be improving.

If we’ve lived with this drill sergeant for a while (maybe our whole lives) then we can become dependent on it, thinking that we are not capable of achieving without an inner voice essentially yelling at us and keeping us on point.

The downside of this type of mindset, however, is that it can contribute to perfectionism, anxiety, stress, depression and low self-esteem because we are essentially beating ourselves up.

It’s not wrong to want to improve or achieve things, but the way in which we get there cannot only affect our wellbeing but can also ironically affect the outcome.

For example, if we achieve a goal, like getting a promotion at work, but the way we did that is by admonishing ourselves, then we may struggle to feel confident in the new position and can therefore struggle to maintain it. Or, we may tell ourselves that it’s not enough or not good enough, and we can get stuck in an endless pursuit of achievement.

Again, nothing wrong with achievement, but if we’re achieving for the sake of achievement, it can feel empty and unfulfilling, which can, in turn, affect self-esteem.

If, on the other hand, we take a more self-compassionate approach toward our goals, we’re more likely to believe and feel confident in what we’ve achieved. We’re also more likely to appreciate what it took to get there as well as appreciate the end result.

Another important facet of the self-compassionate approach is that it can buffer against challenges and disappointment, which are often inevitable.

“Self-compassion can help you to stick with your goals by heightening your ability to recover from setbacks instead of getting stuck in endless rumination about what went wrong,” Elizabeth Grace Saunders, a time management coach and founder of Real Life E Time Coaching & Speaking, wrote in the Harvard Business Review. “In short, self-compassion could be the difference between giving up on your goals (or avoiding them completely) and achieving them step by step—even when that may require a few steps back before you move forward again.”

No one (including myself) really likes the whole “one step forward, two steps back” thing, but it’s a real part of the process of change, growth, healing, and life, and the more self-compassion we have, the easier it is to get back up and continue on.

Research has shown that self-compassion can be a resource to build resilience. In other words, we can use self-compassion as a means of creating a more resilient mindset and attitude.

“Because self-compassionate individuals do not berate themselves when they fail, they are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors and take on new challenges,” Kristen Neff, a self-compassion researcher and psychology professor, wrote in a 2009 study on “The Role of Self-Compassion in Development.” She added that “Higher levels of self-compassion are linked to increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure.”

So what are some ways to practice or increase a self-compassionate mindset?

Try the self-compassion test. Developed by Neff, the self-compassion scale can give a quantitative picture of how kind (or not) we are to ourselves. It might also shed light on the areas where we might be harder on ourselves.

Neff also has a series of free self-compassion exercises on her website.

Try giving yourself a hug. Before you click off, there’s new research that suggests that engaging in 20 seconds of self-compassionate touch, such as giving ourselves a hug, can be as effective at reducing stress as meditating for 30 minutes.

“In this touch-deprived society, we can offer ourselves the same kindness and compassion we so freely give to others,” Eli Susman, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, and author of the new study, told CNN about his research.

As part of his findings, Susman laid out a three-step process to get the most out of self-compassionate touch:

• First, close your eyes and think of a time when you felt like you made a mistake or felt unworthy and notice any changes in your body.

• Second, find a comfortable place on your body to practice self-compassionate touch. This can be wrapping your arms around yourself, using your thumb to massage your palm, rubbing your neck, etc.

• Third, while focusing on the warmth of the touch, ask yourself how you can be a friend to yourself in that moment. Ask yourself what you need while also practicing self-forgiveness for any perceived failings.

Susman’s research recommended doing this practice for at least 20 seconds and repeating as often as needed.

“It’s not about being better than anyone or pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows,” Susman said. “It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer a close friend.”

Try using a different word. If you don’t like the term self-compassion, or think it’s too soft and won’t work for you, change it to something else. Try “coaching,” “supporting,” “being your own best friend,” whatever floats your boat and whatever will work for you. It’s all the same thing.

For example, an effective coach is not likely going to yell at someone to motivate them to perform at their best. Instead, a supportive coach will learn what makes that individual tick and then use that information to help the person think and perform differently, which might involve discipline and hard work but not a constant flow of criticism.

(TIP: It’s not uncommon for people to be really good coaches and supportive influences for others and struggle to do it for themselves. Can you take what you do for others and do that for yourself?)

Additional Takes on Self-Compassion

“To Reach Your Goals, Embrace Self-Compassion” via the Harvard Business Review

“The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self-Compassion” via Mindful.org

“6 Science-Based Self-Compassion Exercises” via Psychology Today