If you’ve ever worked toward a personal goal, like losing weight, setting better boundaries, becoming more confident or self-assured, reducing anxiety etc., and felt like you. were. getting. nowhere. (or maybe even felt like you were moving backward at some points), you’re not alone.

Most people assume change is a linear process—start here → end here. And sometimes it can work like that, but often the process of change looks like a hot mess.

It can look similar to the process of healing, which usually doesn’t follow a straight, upward trajectory either.

With both healing and change, we often have a perception that dedicated time and effort will yield proportionate results in terms of progress. But, unfortunately, that’s not always true, and change, like healing, is a bit of a mystery that can vary from person to person.

Given that there’s no roadmap for everything we will encounter when making a change, it can be tempting to inadvertently (or not) “sabotage” the change. Meaning we give up or revert to old ways of being because that feels safer in the short term.

Below are a few examples of how and why we might block ourselves from the change we’re seeking as well as some tips to help get out of our own way:

(To be clear, change referenced here is of the personal, self-directed type, not the kind that is being imposed on us. That is another can of worms.)

We can’t ‘see’ it, so therefore nothing must be happening.

Because most change is gradual and moves much slower than we would often like, it can be tempting to assume nothing is happening or nothing is changing, when in fact, there might be more going on than meets the eye.

For example, maybe we’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds and we’re eating healthier, working out, feeling better but because we haven’t lost the full 10 pounds yet, or maybe we’ve lost five, gained two, lost three, etc., none of the positives matter.

We’re focused on what isn’t happening rather than on what is.

If we keep focusing on the end goal without also acknowledging all the steps we’re taking to get there, it can breed feelings of frustration and a sense of wanting to throw in the towel—like, why bother if I haven’t lost the 10 pounds.

To help combat this, can you zero in on the things that are going well?

Try making note of at least three pieces of evidence that the change is “working” or having an effect, even if they seem “small” or insignificant. These can be things you notice externally or internally. For example, maybe you notice a shift in your mood (hopefully positive) or you notice that you’ve been making more healthy choices in different areas of life.

This can help to reorient our perspective so that we can actually see what is going well and ideally appreciate all the hard work that we’ve put in to get there.

This, again?

Because change is nonlinear, we’re often going to run into similar issues or problems that we think we’ve already handled.

Like in therapy when someone has been consistently showing up for themselves and “doing the work” and it’s showing in their external world—maybe they’ve noticed changes in themselves and in their relationships—BUT THEN they come across a similar issue that they thought they’d “already worked through” and it makes them feel like they are back at square one.

The tendency here is to want to give up. There can be feelings of defeat and frustration, and sometimes even a fair amount of self-criticism. But try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

We might actually be so close to where we want to be and just need to work through a new layer or additional challenge that we just haven’t run into before. It doesn’t mean that we’ve failed. Try looking at it like you are moving up to a new level of the game, like an advancement, rather than a step back.

We don’t think we deserve it.

This one can be tough to spot or admit. But think about it, if we still have underlying feelings and thoughts telling us that xyz goal is unattainable or unsustainable, then we are more likely to talk ourselves out of taking steps toward that goal.

If we can catch this belief, it can be helpful to pay more attention to our self-talk. What are we telling ourselves about what we can and cannot achieve or what we do or don’t deserve. This one can be helpful to work out in therapy, if it’s available, or a daily journaling/self-reflection practice can help to catch and challenge some of the ways we may be undercutting ourselves.

Wanting to control the outcome

Yep, discomfort with uncertainty can be a sneaky saboteur.

We may not have complete control or a complete knowing of how everything is going to work out, or if it even will, so we may try talking ourselves out of a change if we struggle with uncertainty.

Or we might get in our way by trying to micromanage the change to prevent against too much uncertainty, but this can slow the process down and wear on our perseverance and motivation.

With this one, it can be helpful to accept the elements of the change that we can’t control, but then focus on things we can. For example, maybe we don’t know exactly how it’s all going to work out, which might bring up a feeling of powerlessness, but we can control our dedication to the change or how much effort we’re putting in (even if it’s something like adjusting our mindset daily).

If we can shift our focus there—to the steps we are taking to get to our goal, rather than the outcome—it can help us to reclaim a sense of power.

So why do we sometimes sabotage change?

Because change is hard. And it’s nonlinear, and a lot of the process is intangible. It tests our patience and perseverance and often brings up some of our worst fears.

Also, most of us live in an immediate gratification reality, and we struggle with patience as well as sitting with discomfort, and the process of change is often slow and is by its nature uncomfortable because it requires that we move away from what is familiar.

Given all of that, try to be kind to yourself if you’re making a change. It’s not always easy and doesn’t always happen on the timeline we imagine, but the end goal may be well worth the effort.

Additional Takes on Change

“8 Reasons Why It's so Hard to Really Change Your Behavior” via Psychology Today

“What Makes Change Difficult” via Psychology Today

“Why Change is Hard” via Willow Tree Counselling

Do you struggle with the idea of journaling? Maybe staring at a blank page feels intimidating, or maybe you don't know where to begin and hate the idea of doing it "wrong?"​ 

While journaling can mean different things to different people, at its core, it offers a chance for self-reflection or a chance to slow down and tune into our own inner worlds ( versus everything going on around us).   

If you’re seeking a structured way to self-reflect, the Non-Journal Journal removes the blank page and provides a roadmap with guided prompts to help you check in mentally, emotionally and physically.