Following up on last week’s newsletter, this week’s topic focuses on an element of finding calm that sometimes gets overlooked when we’re feeling overwhelmed, and that is self-soothing, specifically how we talk to ourselves when things feel distressing.

According to this article from the national health advice service in Australia, we literally talk to ourselves all day. ALL DAY. It’s part of how we process experiences, discern what we want and don’t want, motivate ourselves, avoid discomfort, etc.

And yet we’re not always aware of our inner narrative, likely because we’ve become so accustomed to it just running in the background.

But the way we frame our self-talk can have significant effects on our wellbeing and our ability to manage stressors. For example, if we are catastrophizing, what-ifing or maybe blaming ourselves, then we’re less likely to feel confident in our ability to deal with whatever life is throwing at us.

Or, let’s say you’re dealing with a lot at the moment, and you’re doing a good job of practicing breathing and grounding exercises to stay in the present moment as much as possible, and maybe you’re able to achieve a temporary state of calm, but it doesn’t last that long.

It might be helpful to notice what you’re telling yourself or how you’re talking to yourself. Are you encouraging yourself and maybe even practicing self-compassion, or are you beating yourself up or assuming everything is going to go south or be a disaster?

That doesn’t mean you have to adopt a Pollyanna attitude and delude yourself, but you don’t have to deflate yourself either.

Most of us would never say the things we say to ourselves to anyone else (or at least to anyone we like), but we have no problem voicing it internally.

So how can you catch and shift your self-talk so that it is more supportive, especially in times when things don’t feel so great or you’re dealing with a lot?

One strategy is to try and make it a habit to check in with how you’re talking to yourself more regularly.

You can try randomly checking in with yourself several times throughout the day to see what’s going on in your mind. Write it down if it’s helpful to keep track and to actually see what it is that you’re saying to yourself.

Or, tie it to a feeling state. If you’re feeling pretty good, notice what you’re saying to yourself in that moment (and maybe do more of that). Similarly, if you’re not feeling so great, can you catch how you’re talking to yourself, and if it’s negative or unproductive, can you try and reframe to something more positive?

For example:

“I’m never going to figure this out.” → “I’ve done hard things before, so it’s likely that I will figure out how to handle this.”

“I’m never going to get all of this done.” → “I can take one step at a time, and, eventually, I will get this done.”

“Why am I always in these situations?” → “I’m not sure why I’ve been in this situation before, but I’m willing to learn from this one and try and do things differently next time so it doesn’t happen again.”

A second strategy is to be proactive. Don’t wait until you notice negative self-talk to try and change it. If you can, make it a practice to inject more positive self-talk throughout your day.

You could even try coming up with a mantra that you repeat regularly or when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

It might be difficult to believe at first or to get into the habit of proactively talking positively to yourself, especially if that’s not the norm, but if you can tip the scale to slightly more positive than negative, then your outlook and emotional state will likely follow.

Additionally, in times when life feels chaotic or out of control, practicing positive self-talk is a way to take back some control because it is something that is inherently up to us to do. It also increases the likelihood that we can create and sustain a more calm state because we’re essentially not working against ourselves.

Additional Takes on Self-Soothing Through Self-Talk

“Positive Self-Talk: How Talking to Yourself Is a Good Thing” via Healthline

“Mayo Mindfulness: Overcoming Negative Self-Talk” via the Mayo Clinic

“How to Challenge Negative Self-Talk” via Psych Central (Read this one for info on the link between self-talk and self-doubt.)