If you’ve ever worked in a helping profession or known someone who does, you’ve probably heard someone use the expression “put your own oxygen mask on first” before helping others.

While it may be a somewhat overused analogy (that not everyone agrees with, which is fair), the example of putting your own oxygen mask on first can be a helpful way to conceptualize the idea of self-sacrifice, which can undercut our attempts to help or assist others.

Essentially, the nuance of the oxygen mask scenario is that the stronger and more stable we are, the better able we are to help others. To borrow another cliche, it’s like being the port in the storm.

If, on the other hand, we are helping and doing for others and it’s coming at our own expense because we’re not paying attention to our own needs or energy levels, we might be less effective in the act of helping or even just existing among other people.

For example, if a friend comes to you in need of support because they’re going through a rough time, but you’re also going through a rough time and have a lot on your plate, do you ignore your own needs and priorities or do help your friend where you can and gently redirect them to additional sources of support so you can focus on your own issues as well?

That’s not always an easy answer, especially if we are used to being the one who people come to for guidance or support, but if we lean in to help without acknowledging our own situation and what we have going on, then we can start to feel resentful and depleted because we are essentially siphoning time and energy that may need to be spent handling our own priorities.

Also, if we’re helping, but it’s coming with a side order of resentment, that can later lead to feelings of guilt, which will likely deplete our overall energy and mood even more. We’re also less likely to show up as our best selves, and that can create tension in the relationship.

Ingrained Habit

To be fair, a lot of us learn through various norms and cultural conditioning that overextending ourselves is a good thing and is sometimes even rewarded, so we may not be used to the idea that we can choose to put our own needs first (or that we even have needs to pay attention to).

Or maybe we have such high thresholds for discomfort that we can avoid our own needs for a long time before we get to the point of breakdown or exhaustion.

Either way, getting to the point where we’re acknowledging that we even have needs and that it’s OK, in fact beneficial sometimes, to prioritize them, can be quite the journey.

If you happen to struggle with identifying and prioritizing your needs, some signs that you may be running on empty include:

• Feeling resentful or irritable in general or in certain situations or around specific people

• Feeling run down and tired all the time or lacking enjoyment in things you once enjoyed

• Avoiding people or situations that may feel burdensome

• Struggling to know what you want or what would make you feel good

As a side note, prioritizing our needs is not the same thing as getting our way or expecting someone else to change.

Self-prioritization is more the idea of putting the focus on ourselves and how we can meet our needs (tips on that here).

Also, as with most things, there is a ton of nuance to this issue. There will likely be times when we choose to put others first, especially in the case of dependents.

But there may also be times when putting ourselves first is beneficial not only to us, but to everyone else we are interacting with because it is enabling us to show up as our true, authentic selves with more time and energy to give.

Additional Takes on Self-Prioritization

“The Unselfish Art of Prioritizing Yourself” via Psychology Today

“How To Prioritize Self-Care Without Feeling Selfish” via the Awareness Center

“Why Prioritizing Yourself Isn't Selfish” via Becky Howie, MA, LPC, who explains that prioritizing yourself can actually be an act of service

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